what is love?

I often wonder what love is? Can we ever know, or is it just what one feels and can never be fully or even partially explained. I thought I loved though I am accused of not ever loving and am punished for it, but, I loved with all my heart and soul, and every single fiber of my body, I loved and that is all I know.

Love to me was not being able to get angry at him, even when he did the most cruel things, I couldn't bring myself to get angry and mad at him, for I was always going ahead of myself and him, and giving myself explanations for his behavior, telling myself that his anger was justified for a hundred million odd reasons. Playing out scenarios from his 'deprived' childhood, lack of love, confusion, attention seeking you name it and I could always assuage myself for his lack of love.

Love was taking care of his clothes, his food, his needs. It also became a constant urge to please him, either by going along with whatever he proposed or let him have his way with almost all the things that mattered. It meant giving him the space to live his life the way he wanted to, how was I supposed to know he wanted absolute freedom and not just the leverage to be so.

But when I think of all that now it seems so pointless, so not worth the while. I did things thinking they were cementing a solid relationship whereas he felt trapped by the very same walls! the home that was bliss to me became a prison to him. It shows how people living in the same house and pretending to live simultaneous lives can be so far apart.

I have worked out today again thank god for that. I am so unpredictable in my behavior and so uncontrollable that it becomes hard to ascertain how how would act in a given day. Had a busy day cooking, reading and well not much. The call for the next interview hasn't come yet, well I sort of was expecting that, my luck has seemed to run out totally.

Coming back to love, I used to wonder if it ever ends, and now I know that it does. the day I found out he has married for a few hours my world closed in on me and then it was the best feeling I've had in many many months, I felt relieved, calm, as though a huge rock has been lifted from my chest. It had all come to an end and somehow there wasn't any going back, this was it. Isn't it weird? the news that was to break me, kill me, leave me in utter despondency for years was to have so little impact on me, in fact have the opposite effect? The fact of my losing him completely to another person came as a welcome surprise, how could I have been so silly and stupid to mourn a man who was so not into me, and also who was merely a waste of time and effort. That was an AHA moment if there ever was one.

I have learnt that what we dread at times becomes what we actually need in life. That is the way of destiny I believe, for we are very myopic and cannot see whats good for us, or what we need. We miscalculate our emotions, our feelings, our needs and wants all the time.