I need to find a job that is well paying so I can live in peace and without the constant struggle of financial issues every minute of the day. Of course business is out for I cannot find an investor for the two businesses that I wanted to start. So, I must now seriously hunt for jobs for I am not going to get anything sitting pretty. But the thing is what job can I start or do now and at what level? what would it be? and how good would I be at it - I have an almost crippling fear of failing, for Fail I will. I have such a conviction in this outcome that I am paralyzed with fear and anxiety. I am so scared of making a complete fool of myself in front of my own self? does that even make sense? to me it does! perfect sense, I suffer from acute sense of lack of confidence in what I am and what I am able to deliver. The impeccable school record, the magna cum luade degree, the work experience in government service all amount to nothing in my eyes. I am a serious and a total nincompoop who can merely think and plan but can never execute.
Am I being hard on myself, probably, but then this what I am feeling at the moment and have been doing so for quite some time. Though, I think I am getting slightly better. My aversion to meeting people and socializing is almost at an ebb, and to my surprise I am making friends again. I like the occasional company and a friendly chat. The bed isn't that major part of my life any longer, I am hardly sprawled on it all nested comfortably in a book for the most part of the day. I am up and about the house doing things women normally do at home. But, there is a long way for me to go, though a regular job, getting up and going out of the house every day, being involved in something productive is going to be my panacea.
Worked out today again, so I am still keeping the promise to myself and feeling so much better for it. Went out for dinner at the Deli with musti, a very pleasant evening with just the two of us, nice conversation, interesting talk, it is a wonder that a child of 12 has more to say than a lot of adults put together in this forsaken place! And! hell I met that guy again! what a coincidence and me all decked up ( thank god for that,) and I had a long look at him today, for sure he isn't my type at all, but then I am not looking for anyone anyways so it shouldn't really matter. And then his text later, all praises for how great I was looking, how very predictable, men want to grab you, and for that they'd go to any lengths, but once they have you, they suddenly don't want you!
Well I guess there isn't any harm in a lunch with him is there? though I don't know what I'll talk to him about? I don't think there is any topic of common interest, hmmmm and I can always cancel.
I won't talk about what is tomorrow, too uptight about that at the moment and I just might jinx it by talking about it so mums the word! but I do wish myself all the luck in the world for I need it bad!
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