hmmm, it is an art, you know, to be a bitch of the highest order. You are never born one, you must learn it slowly, acquire it painstakingly, labor long hours laboriously. And just like any other art it has rules, and girls only if u can master the rules would you be acknowledged in the sorority of sororities, that inner sanctum of the Bitches, which keeps its doors closed to the vilest amongst you because they don't have that diamond cut, that edge, that class and most of all haven't proven their talents! so first of all get these super-qualities asap:
a) The shrill voice that slices the ear-drums to halves and then quarters, that nasal uppity tone that assumes so much, such as 'I'm right always', 'you are a piece of scum', 'I'm the most important person like errr... ever' and therefore must be served at all times. The piercing high pitch that would not let anyone in peace, like the deafening wails of Sirens luring in Odysseus. It is the voice of doom and the knell of authority, if you want to live then better hark and do as told or else help you God.
b) Nag Nag Nag and some more nagging is the rule of the day and mind you that is every day! Constant complaining is what bitches do, and they do it in their ever whiny nasal voice: I have a headache, I'm not eating dinner, its too hot, I'm so stressed, too tired, too bored, uff why are they coming over, hell why aren't you home? where are you???? and when will you get back? why is this happening to me? why is my kismet kharab? why is the room dirty!!! so on and so forth. They have an innate desire to announce to the world whats wrong with it and why in the name of Jesus Christ doesn't anyone fix it!!!
c) They have to hog all the attention of their lovers and their husbands and their families and their friends! (have I got everyone) all the time, Its always about them - whatever it is, whatever happens they become the star or the victim. They nurse one basic 'condition' that must come up whenever the need arises, it can be a migrane (meeegrain????) or low blood pressure (hai allah kuch ho raha hai), or panic-attacks ( uff sinking feeling ho rehi hai) or nausea (uff i want to throw up) or best of all, depression! ( aaj to mein utah hei nahi sakti) I feel so sorry for their husbands, can you imagine the company! Well if you want to be a bitch you must find your favorite condition and then hang on to it, and conjure it up every time the spotlight veers away for you even for a second. Husbands have to be kept on the defensive, forever apologetic and in a nursing mood (they have to be or else.)
d) Last but not the least, be manipulative, conniving, secretive, mysterious, lying, cheating, hypocritical, at all times. Be false and dishonest, flatter and then laugh at the back, tell half-truths, try and do 'jadoo' on every other person who matters so that you have your 'influence' over them.
e) But the final test of a bitch, the queen of her domain,is : how many people has she been able to drive away! has the lover disappeared without a trace? has the husband rushed off to the arms of another (hopefully a bitch too) and has she managed to alienate a dozen or so people! if that is the case with you darlings! you have arrived!!!
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