AND Now WHAT?

In the past 24 hours I have slept only an odd hour or so, but I feel I have just had 12 hours of dreamless solid sleep. It's like this with me, the incredible highs, my manic periods, where my brain and my body goes on hyper-speed, I think my mind goes in overdrive to some extent.

I find it hard to concentrate on one thing, words slip from my tongue, images get stuck in my brain and I keep thinking at the sound of speed of all things and nothing at all. It is a state of excitement I feel I can conquer the world and then do some more, I feel daring, invincible, I can go to any extent, be risky, take dangerous decisions, I can always be rational later. In my highs I want more of everything, more talk, more writing, more activity and less of other things like food, sleep, and reading. All this was mystery to me a few years back, I used to get overwhelmed by these sudden onslaughts of loony behavior, but now I know what to expect, a headache, nausea, fainting spells and then either a trough, a fall of so deep a magnitude that leaving the bed becomes next to impossible, or a constant high in which I am all up and about!

Is it hard for another person to deal with my moods? Did I drive my husband away because of my manias and depressions? could very well be. I haven't the faintest idea. Tonight, I am starting to get a bit restless perhaps because my body is tired but sleep is no where near. I want to keep writing, at times like these it seems I could go on writing without a pause, the words just keep flowing and its like an over flowing river that wants to inundate its banks.

Someone remarked last night that I was very brave woman for living without massive security system in place in far off defence it had the opposite effect. I was quite scared at night listening in for possible intruders. What in the name of God would I do lest they come in? OH God keep us safe from that hell. I have only you to count on.

I haven't been to abba's grave for the longest time, I just don't feel he is there at all, yet I must go and see it tomorrow, I feel like I am being pulled to it, maybe he is wanting me to go there. I always felt him closer to me, some how in the corner of my eye, peripheral vision, as though if I would just tilt my head a little he would come into focus as always. I have seen many times a white floating forms since his death and at times black ones as well, they never scare me, I know its him and hes hovering close to me looking about me, taking care of me like my guardian angel.

I need to get mustafa to read story books, get him into researching, looking up things learning new stuff, hmmm, but all he wants to do is be outside climbing trees, tossing balls and bats and of course swimming. I guess I can't force anything on him!

I want to start reading more books and take notes along with it, so I can research new topics to write on and even focus the ones I do currently write on in a better way. Focus reminds me of astronomy and the book on Johannes Kepler I am reading these days. He believed that Platonic forms, the five perfect geometrical shapes coined and identified by Plato somehow played a role in the planetary system, his hero was Copernicus who had been dead 50 years in the the time of Kepler that is the 17th century. His struggle with explaining the importance rather the relevance of studying the heavenly system apart from the interests of astrology and making calendars.

Do stars actually have an influence on our lives? does the position of different stars and planets at the time of birth have an impact on how we would lead our lives and what manner of people we would turn out to be? I don't know but I would certainly like to know. Another interesting thing is Alchemy, the transmutation of alloy into gold. Scientists in the middle ages did believe that there existed a secret legendary 'philosopher's stone' that could be used for alchemy and that is where the word chemistry comes from. Later on alchemy became a mystical term, the idea of polishing a diamond or a coal transmuting into a diamond after eons of struggle and hard work. These are topics one must read up seriously, and then come to a conclusion.

Kepler's life story in a novel form by John Banville is intriguing in its cosmological language, there are all kinds of moods and faces people are described as having such as Saturnine, Jovian, mercurial. Its rich in metaphors of the celestial world and keeps reminding you that the life of no ordinary man is being displayed.

Another thing that struck me today was the strangeness of human wants and desires, why is it that we all want what we are denied? what is that attraction to things and people who are either not available to us or are simply not good for us. We dream and want those who would not have us?? This is very very disturbing, and the ones who come to us we take them lightly! is that another proof of our animalistic nature is there a biological reason for it? is it the appeal of the chase and the struggle that we all aspire to? I am going to redefine my thinking, and from now on try and stay clear of people who don't want me as much as I may want them.