What do I do NOW?

Its struck me yesterday, or was it today, that my father is gone, gone never to come back. I mean he isn't ever coming back and I can't do a thing about it. Its been close to nine months that he's been gone and yet it doesn't register. perhaps I'm slow, perhaps I can fool myself better and live in a pretend world, or maybe I just like to postpone my misery, my sadness, my grief because I know that if I let it overcome me, if I let the barriers down and the deluge is loose I'll drown never ever to come up again for air, for anything. Is it fear of annihilation that keeps me so guarded? or is it the fear of feeling that fear that comes from losing the most precious of your things. Yes, it sounds bizarre, but we all do in one form or another claim ownership over people and relationships that we value more than our lives. We want to do so because we know that the other person feels that same and would love for us to want and love them the same way. My father was mine, all mine, with all power of possessions that may be held over a parent, he was a constant in my life, a surety, an absolute certainty, he was my compass that showed me my direction, my center of gravity that always keeping me poised, holding me lest I stumble.

I was I, because he was he.

If, now he is not? what am I, if I am? if the basis of my existence is missing, gone, where and how do I hold up? What do I do now? How do I find another compass and how do I keep myself from falling here and there and everywhere?

I take forever to absorb pain. A painful experience of years past, which I bore with great fortitude at the time, will come to incinerate me in the present. I am now beginning to realize that my father is never coming back. It doesn't hit me very hard yet, other than, what should I do now, but slowly, very very slowly its making me come UNDONE.