and you get there by realizing that some people, some things, some feelings, some voices will never BE again. They are lost in the passing moment, obliterated with time, they do not exist at present in the 'now'. Did we ever hold them, had them, felt them or heard them is also vague and misty, did they ever exist? or was it or is it our imagination, because strictly speaking what's gone and finished, and cannot be felt or held or seen just does not exist.
Loneliness is when you understand for the very first time, that what makes you alive, what gives purpose to your being, what you look forward to everyday, what you love with all your heart: is not to be found. I feel a big rock, a boulder descend on my chest as I write these words, they have become an anathema to my being, I cannot say them without feeling burdened and suffocated beyond despair! No! I refuse with all my strength to accept and comprehend this. I can and make my own reality that serves my purpose and in that reality, even those who are gone leaving me alone, have not really gone! They are there inhabiting my life with their presence, their love is there to keep me afloat, that there is yet another tomorrow that may bring some good tidings, that end is not near.
The reality-seekers do not come hither and disturb my peace! let me be to enjoy my Eden. Because, its lonely beyond lonesomeness, when you know that the world you frequent is world of illusions and what is for you, does not bear any relation to what is for everyone else. Loneliness is scary because it is the wilderness where you are opposed to the demons of your own fantasy, of your soul, and the deathly silence, the silence that is death!
I want death to return to me what it as robbed me of! I want to compensated for my losses, and I want this haunting silence that comes to enclose me to somehow, just somehow disappear!!
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