I believe we all harbour wishes we secretly wish would come true, knowing very well that they will not, knowing that we are only groping in the dark, knowing life does not naturally roll out red carpets whenever we decide to take a walk. Despite the stern boundaries drawn by circumstance, the visceral need and deep longing for what's unattainable holds the attraction worth a lifetime in itself.
My wish list is not a taxonomy of most wanted to the least, it's not a count down; what it is, is a kaleidoscope of ever changing, ever mutating, swirling rotating mass of mixed up desires, wants, needs, likes, aspirations, hopes, hunger, inclinations, prayers for different things at different times; One day I desire to 'feel' a certain imagined way hoping it brings me new inexperienced joys, at other times I wish for the life that I never got to live, to have acted and thought diametrically opposite to how I actually did in the past, to have been someone else.
Wishes, they say, are to be feared. The old adage 'beware of what you wish for' precisely states this dilemma. The dilemma of not knowing the end consequences of our 'choices'. But, this does not stop us from wanting what we 'don't' have. And, in yearning for that 'what if'. My endless, seamless, infinite, eternal, ever expanding, forever contracting 'what if's' constitute varying shades of myriad preferences, of unknown, unfamiliar urges for acts undone, for words un-uttered, for happiness inexperienced, for sadness never felt.
What If or I WISH:
YOU WERE WHO I ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU TO BE
TO HAVE LIVED A LIFE PURSUING A PASSION
TO HAVE UNDERSTOOD THE FEARSOME ASPECT OF OUR WISHES COMING TRUE
MY TIME RAN IN ALL DIRECTIONS INSTEAD OF JUST FORWARD
I COULD LIVE TO SEE THE LIVES OF MY CHILDREN'S CHILDREN
I COULD RELIVE MY CHILDHOOD, BUT DIFFERENTLY
TO BE UNDERSTOOD INSTEAD OF BEING MISUNDERSTOOD
TO BEAUTIFULLY ARTICULATE MY FEELINGS OF SADNESS, ANGER, IRRITATION, JOY
TO BE ABLE TO LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY
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