The Art of being Obnoxious.

I want to master the one art that is higher than life - the art of being Obnoxious. I'm sick and tired of being NICE to people, in my opinion the most overrated virtue of a few thousand years. What? I ask you plainly, is the use of being nice? Unless, being tedious and boring and being a pain is your idea of excitement galore'. And, since we belong to a society that thrives on being good to others, that is so charitable and giving and noble, the very air being suffused with such holiness and purity has become claustrophobic for the likes of me - who believe - in the goodness of being completely bad!

There are myriads of ways one can be obnoxious and radiate positively uber stinking negative energy, but one must be original and a tad malicious and of course shockingly bizarre whenever embarking on a path leading to hell and beyond. Hmmm so lets pick out the ways we can be truly, madly and deeply offensive and aggressively inhuman to every one around us!

Believe, propagate, advertise, wax-lyrical, blow your own trumpet, keep praising your self, diss others at all occasions necessary and unnecessary, and be drunk in your own wonderfulness. For, you are the very epitome of beauty, charm and poise - you of course ooze style and class - you are to be desired and for ever unattainable and this all will translate itself in an attitude that is far from agreeable and horrendously taxing for others. But then who cares for the idea is to care only for oneself.

Again - don't ever regard the needs, likes, preferences, and feelings of others because honestly speaking they aren't as important as you are - they just don't know it yet (poor souls) so be pushy, aggressive and downright rude and, hell, get your way all the time. In fact recite your mantra out loud "My way or the Highway" and if they are slightly intelligent they'd tow the line and behave like door mats.

Copy others (because we all know you aren't original) but never ever give the idea that you think you are copy cat, always say the opposite and that too with sure assertion - that is you know the styles, the trends, the fashions and you being the diva are a trail blazer! even though you may not know the first thing about a bra and brazier forget about the blazer bit!

Be proud and envious. Boast as much as you can, and the farther the boast is from the truth the more surety and compunction you put in your voice and go on and on and on..... Please always show off about your house (even though its a dump, your lineage even though its questionable, and your money even though its borrowed.) Always lie, flatter, cajole and be complacent about other people's looks, their families, their homes, and their positions praising them in their presence while ripping them apart behind their backs.

Never- and I repeat in the the summer's sweltering heat, from April through November, never must you use a deodorant! For what is the fun when you cant literally put the other person out only by walking in! so embrace body odor and celebrate the times people are passing out in your presence - For HELL? who says that you are responsible for what their lot is and why must you use your good cologne to make them breathe easy.

Again, refrain from using tooth brushes, tooth pastes and mouth washes - for bad breath that blows the mind of another in obnoxious from the hades itself.

Insist on telling everyone always about what presents you got, the pricier the better, the vacations you're taking, splash pictures of yourself, be it a dinner, a get-together, hell anything and then ask literally everyone to praise your heavenly life.

Be paranoid, suspicious, shifty, and never trust a soul.

Yell, scream and holler that is whenever you want to talk.

When looking at another person and his/her any thing such as house, clothes, car, children, servants, views, always say very confidently yours are better!

Be mean to people who work for you for they are in a weaker spot - but - and make sure you don't get mixed up - for you must suck up to people who are even slightly important in the scheme of things and can come in handy sometime in the future.

Lie, lie and then tell some half-truths whether required or not.

Be bitchy, always. Abuse! and that too in URDU.

Be mean and controlling and show attitude - go naraz every 15 seconds and let people assuage you all the time Hmmmmphhhh!

Be melodramatic - if things don't go your way fake a headache, exhaustion, migraine, panic attack, hyperventilation, self pity (out loud)

At all times blame others for all they have done wrong and of course for what you haven't done right.

Sermonize.

Wear a holy appearance and be wicked as sin for hypocrisy is the reign of the day.

Read book jackets and profess to be an intellect.

Pretend you're not fluent in Urdu for -- you see you can't help it naa! - you just think in English, your mother tongue.

Pretend you don't know areas like Nazimabad exist even though half of your family lives there.

Pretend to be a good Samaritan - but make sure you keep a tight hand on the home kitchen lest the poor servant eats an odd banana without permission HAI Allah the cheek of the man!!! tobah tobah after all that you do for them!!!!

Write a blog and pretend you're savy.


Go on and on and on even though no one's listening....