Yes. My resolution for 2011 has appeared and made itself clear and lucid to me - I WILL LIVE AS I THINK BEST AND WANT - there! isn't it the most original and commendable of resolves - don't we all fall for silly ones like I will not smoke, I will lose 10 pounds, I will exercise more so on and so forth. Though mine is little, OK, a lot late in coming I still have half a year, OK a little less that half a year to put it in action.
From tonight as of NOW, I will live my life as I fancy best. I will not be concerning myself unnecessarily with other people's wishes, desires, feelings and wants. For why should I? I have completed a better portion of my life, of my days and hours and nights and minutes tending to other people's whims and trying to master the impossible of all tasks - trying eternally to please another. UFFFF! I am sick and tired to the neck and above of catering and seeing to other peoples emotions, moods and ways. I give up because in trying to live in a manner which suits another is impossible a thing as it can be. We can play roles, put on an act as they say, but sooner or later the pressure of the act and facade and the show cracks through and a highly unhappy and unsatisfied person comes to the surface, who has lived so much on other people's terms, that she has literally forgotten who she is.
After 20 years of marriage I now realize that I was play acting all these years...killing myself in becoming a wife, a caretaker, a home maker, a mother, a lover, a friend - when all of these roles were neither being appreciated nor noticed by the one person for whose benefit they all were staged - how pathetic then the efforts of a wasted life seems now! but, to me they are not wasted, for I did it with a true heart and a good intent - LOVE.
Now, this may not be true at all, I may have been a tyrant and a mad person in my marital relations, for we are the worst commentators of our own conduct. I am not the judge of that, if I failed as a wife and failed my husband in that role then perhaps I wasn't putting in all that was required of me. I just failed to see what all I was doing wrong.
But, after all is said and done, I now have to please no one in particular, by sucking up to that person and in our society its usually the men we need to please, for no matter how liberal we may be in our thoughts and views, we just need to give that extra attention to the men in our lives and one man in particular - your husband!
I am now free. Free to do anothers bidding in the daily routine of life. The most difficult of all things in my view, for if you are asked to to things you not actually pleasant once in a while, we all can manage without much ado. But if on a day to day basis, we are asked to alter our instincts and our natural way of being it becomes the hardest of things.
I am now going to enjoy the simple pleasures of life that had become very very unfamiliar to me these past years of my marital life.
Get up when I want to, sleep whenever the desire hits! Yes, the greatest pleasure of all, not having to live another person's schedule.
Eat whatever I want when i want! that may explain the pounds of rippling flesh that now adorn my body but nonetheless I love the thought!
Read and read and read whenever I want to.
Go out and come back at my time and wish.
Not have to put up with horrible people.
No arguments!
No sarcasm.
No undue demands at horrific hours.
No listening to stories I've heard a million times.
No hearing the never ending lists of things that I am bad at.
No living with dogs.
Thank God for small mercies.
Comments
Post a Comment