when I can't sleep, I must do either of the two things - read or write. These are the two most loved things of my time alone. I can relax when I am reading for that means I am wandering and traveling but at my my own pace, without the traffic, the pushes and shoves, and the tension of it all. I am on a flight of fancy and I can go wherever but in a luxorious manner and in style. Writing itself is a task accomplished best alone.
In a way, when the world is too much with me, I come to realize over and again that I must love being on my own. The world, when is too much with me crowds out the I in myself and I am left bereft of my thinking ability, there are only images flicking randomly at high speed in my mind and sounds reverberating at all times without harmony or sense. I have to put all in its place or else I am unable to function, or I feel unusually fatigued.
I haven't slept the night before, and thus here I am early morning writing randomly, just snippets of thoughts as they occur to me, I just want to empty my mind of all that is whirling around in it creating a tornadoes of unrelated ideas.
I have to visit Lahore again this week for work for about a day or two, and musti refuses to budge, it might e a better idea to leave him with his dad, but then its hard on both of us - perhaps more on me than musti, but I'd like to believe otherwise. I am so used to having him in my mind's eye as well as the corner of my eye that the mere thought of me alone, and sans him seems incredible, nonsensical, unbelievable. Am I being dramatic? so be it? I can't relax if he isn't around my field of vision for than a few hours, for it is precisely then that sour and ugly visions start to haunt me, my paranoia kicks in, I start to feel constricted around my throat and I have difficulty swallowing my own saliva! I am then alarmed! I have an unusual sense of responsibility towards him, and feel that at all times I must stay in touch with him on some level to be able to breathe. Is this any good?
Does this mean that I must then let him be and go on my own? would that be 'healthy' for us, nay, for me? I don't know? Can a mother, no, is a mother allowed to do this? I doubt it, for when you have become a mother, you have somehow signed a social contract to cease to be yourself first. First and foremost you become a mother and think and act like one. I must take him with me because that is the only way to be, he doesn't want to be left behind, but then what if he wants not to go and rather stay here? I am so confused!
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