You see I am a failure, a non-entity, an inconsequential vermin, a nothing, someone whose thoughts and actions do not really matter in the least bit, I am a loser to use the current lingo. Loser is a person who thinks he's achieved something or who makes a difference, but ironically he doesn't, not at all.
I writhe and squirm in the deep, dark, damp and sulfurous dungeons of my black thoughts, getting angry and angrier at the sheer indifference of people at the plight of our country. We all sit and yes do the ultimate - the thing that we Pakistanis are so adept at - we discuss! the endless, fruitless, fatuous, overwrought, illogical discussions, which are more a contest of wit and rhetoric than an effort to come to a logical understanding and solution to the problems at hand. And, amidst the din and the clamor of high voices and rabid one-liners, and astute observations, one shrill voice rings high and loud, yes, you guessed it, its mine! I think I am in the right, I have pinpointed the problems and ills facing our wretched sordid society and I pride myself for pointing in the directions of possible workable solutions. But the truth is, the hard fact is, I remain as blind as a bat, and as mute and dumb as the next herd of cattle, having brains only to mow and chew, and then chew some more, and once in while spew venom at innocent people of this most unfortunate of countries.
But, some things cannot be helped, and my insane protestations and futile moaning and constant groaning isn't really going to make a difference in the confused world of Pakistani politics and socially mobile noveau riche society. For what am I? and my lone cries of 'wrong' and 'bigots' and 'injustice' go unheard because mostly who's interested? who wants to divulge in actually thinking about the low and the trodden, when life is good for them.
I, holed up, in my room underground, keep writing and fuming and cursing the insensitivity of us all to the killings of common man every day in large numbers, in Karachi. We have names for this kind of callousness 'target-killings' as though they aren't humans we are talking of, rather of some target practicing being carried on by some or the other hip rifle club membered by people who need to 'do something' exciting. What do we care about the hundreds who go missing probably picked up by one or the other so called intelligence agencies that do covert terrorism under the guise of law enforcement.
I am so not with it, so not cool enough, so angry and concerned about issues that have no relevance to my life, or of course anyone's life who actually matter!? What must be the matter with me? Huh? I must be clinically depressed, or be afflicted by the oh so common affliction that hits middle aged fat women, of boredom, of not having enough to gossip and bitch about! aaahhhaa I am that entity, that desperate housewife that has all day and night at her disposal to sit comfortably and shoot nonsense at the world!
But then, as I was saying earlier, I admit I am a loser, a person incapable of putting two coherent sentences together, and what am I compared to the wonderfully gifted macho men of this country who are doing so much for the low income groups, driving around in their uber expensive cars and wearing designer clothes to work, who actually feel the pain of their workers while looking at them through black large fashionable glasses, and who are at service for their country talking into their 3g and 4g phones costing a package and a half!
I am a nobody and a loser and certainly have no right to question the heavy duty patriotism of the men and women of Pakistan.
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