hmmmm its just very hard, its the hardest thing at least for me. How do you say NO gracefully and without putting a ton of solid rock guilt on yourself! Its not like I don't say the word, but the minute I utter it, I'm submerged in a deluge of pity, regret, simple bad feelings! I begin to feel how I've let the other person down and I shouldn't have, I'm smothered by guilt for maybe hurting the person I've so readily or reluctantly said NO to. Uff and the worst NO is to your child! I'm told off by everyone for being an over-indulgent mother and the ultimate advise of 'never show signs of vacillation' in front of your child. WHAT??? is that? I'm forever starting with a harsh and a strong NO to all kinds of nonsensical demands and then finally wavering and then whimpering off to a soft yeeesss. So much for showing resolution and firmness! I just cannot stick to the no that I've very readily uttered.
This non-ability to stick to the NO gets me in all kinds of troubles. I say yes to invites I never intend going, hell I don't want those invites in the first place! So after an initial weak no I end up saying yes and then squirm for days on why I accepted. This is certainly an indication of mental disability if there ever was one.
People end up thinking I'm avoiding them (which I am, but for obvious reason deny doing), or that I disappear (which I do, and again for very obvious reason deny doing.)
Sometimes I just cannot say the word. It kind of sticks in my throat, I can't seem to get it out, and at other times it escapes my mind altogether, like when you try to remember a name and though you know it, its on the tip of your tongue, but alas you can't say it, cannot pronounce it. This gets me embroiled in situations I never intended to be a part of. I find myself talking to people who I never really wanted to talk to huh??? and doing things, making commitments, doing favors, all of the things that weren't in my agenda somehow.
So, in this school of life, I want to learn and acquire the singular art of saying the NO word and hell! sticking to it without any negative feelings crucifying me endlessly till kingdom come!
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